


5 times it wasn’t real and 1 time it was

by nervecore



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst I guess, Enjoy !!, M/M, Neverland (Peter Pan), Shooting Star, and scared, but arent we all, but felix is dumb, fantasy but if u squint, felix will supposedly forget about everything at 18, im sorry about that lol, jilix are soulmates, jisung only makes a full appearance at the end, no beta we die like men, peter han to your service, peter pan inspired to some extent, reality divergence kinda, slice of life kinda ??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 06:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28577649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nervecore/pseuds/nervecore
Summary: it was just a mess. a straight up mess, really.lost in thought, felix didn’t even realise when night fell upon him once again. however, he felt restless. he couldn’t fall asleep, so he decided to look out of the window and clear his mind.the night was going slowly by, while felix was trying to find different constellations. something caught his eye as he was scanning the sky. a shooting star. he didn’ have enough time to ponder, so he said the first thing that came in his mind.“i wish i could remember you.” he wished upon the shooting star and he yawned as the sleep was finally taking over him. he stood up and went towards his bed and lied on it, looking at the ceiling as the light of the moon shining through the louver was illuminating the room slightly.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	5 times it wasn’t real and 1 time it was

**Author's Note:**

  * For [daughterofthesky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/daughterofthesky/gifts).



> HEYO this is a very due christmas present for sunny !! :D i hope you will enjoy this even if it is not fully peter pan referenced and such ahaha... also for the rest of you: enjoy :D
> 
> WARNING: THIS WAS NOT CHECKED FOR ERRORS.

ever since felix was little, he always had recurring dreams about a mystic and beautiful land that he was adventuring on. he also had different kinds of friends, all of them ranging from animals to human beings and to even fantastic beings. he would always talk about that place to his parents from a young age. his family considered felix to be creative and they didn’t mind having their child say and interpret his dreams however he wanted, no matter how absurd it could have sounded to an adult. that was the reason why his parents even convinced felix to go to a couple of art centered extracurriculars and classes. before the age of just fifteen, the boy attended imprompt speech, creative writing, storytelling, painting and poetry classes. besides all of that, he also showed interest in dancing. he was an art centered kind of person and that was beautiful.

what threw off his parents was the fact that even after all that time and all the effort spent in giving their child all the education regarding the creative process, he seemed to still have the same interest in the place he had been talking about for so long. what was so special about it? why wasn’t felix able to get it out of his mind? what was keeping him so stuck on the concept of that one specific idea of fantasy and that specific place he only met in his dreams?

honestly, not even felix could explain what it was. why he was so into what he was. and don’t get him wrong, he loved the fact that he was able to do all those classes and be able to expand his views in terms of creativity. however, there was an invisible bond tying him to his recurring dreams. they were rarer those days, he had to admit. but even then, they always ended up being the most memorable dreams he ever had. he couldn’t find an explanation.

that… until one fateful night came by.

felix couldn’t fall asleep and the clock by his bed, placed on the nightsand, showed that it was 2 am. it was weird, because he never had trouble falling asleep or trouble sleeping in general. he was trying to recall his day and how and why. but he couldn’t pinpoint why things were happening the way they were happening and that was kind of annoying. he just wanted to go to sleep, but he couldn’t.

“ugh.” felix whispered to himself and took one of his pillows, placing it on top of his head, sighing.

after doing that, he suddenly heard a voice. one that definitely wasn’t his. so he stood up from his lying position and looked around, the pillow, which prior to his recent action, falling with a soft ‘thud’ on the floor. felix couldn’t spot any other figure in his dimly lit, by his lava lamp, room. but he could swear he heard a ‘pssst’ kind of sound coming from somewhere in his room.

he ran a hand through his hair, frowning, trying to find an elligible explanation to the sound but nothing that could be scientifically proven came to his mind. so he just thought of the other most likely solution.

“maybe the sleep is finally getting to me.” he told himself and took his pillow from the floor and lied back in bed, closing his eyes, drifting to the world of dreams. he was once again dreaming of the land he had recurring dreams of since his childhood. the teenager wanted to plan a new adventure with his friends, but they were all excitedly talking about someone and completely ignoring the fact that felix was trying to catch their attention with the map of the island. it wasn’t until he gave up on trying to plan a new adventure and then spoke loudly over all of them that he caught everyone’s attention.

“who is everyone talking about?”

all the voices quieted down and then all of them looked at felix in such a way that he felt like he made a colossal mistake. the rest probably sensed that, so their stares softened on instant.

“you don’t remember?” one of them asked carefully, trying to not transform the conversation in a possible argument or fight that could ruin a lot of things unknowingly.

“remember what?” felix looked even more confused than before. he really had no idea what everyone was talking about. that was why he asked in the first place, wouldn’t it make sense? so why was he questioned if he remembers something he surely had no clue over. it seemed way too weird for felix’s liking.

“so you don’t.” was what the rest concluded. they shared looks between themselves. “we are talking about the person who brought you to this place. you have met him before, but it seems like due to growing up, you don’t recall that.” they seemed... worried… for some reason. and felix couldn’t grasp that. and he also couldn't save his life to guess who they were talking about. right before he was about to ask, his alarm started ringing, which made him jump from the lying position.

he woke up confused and on top of that, he also had a headache for some damn reason. he didn’t like the cryptic dream he had and it surely affected his mood throughout the day. even his parents figured out he must have dreamt something that didn’t quite sit well with their child, but since felix didn’t say anything, they also didn’t ask, in case he wanted to keep it personal for the time being.

what was worse in felix’s opinion was the fact that not only he couldn’t remember who his in-dream friends were referring to, but there was something telling him that if he wouldn’t recall soon enough, something bad was going to happen. and honestly? felix was not about that life at all. he had to have something that could remind him. but he had no idea what even could give him that memory back. so that was alreday a problem from the start.

however, the next night, felix had no other dream related to the land and that made him even more worried to some extent. yes, he had more rare dreams regarding that place and it shouldn’t bother him so much, but he was feeling like he was running out of time.

and with that, he was completely right. as much as he tried to get another dream related to the island, he ended up unsuccesful.

that until his 16th birthday was right around the corner. his dream picked up right where it ended last time. but time seemed to go by faster than what he expected, because he was able to ask just one question.

“who is he?”

and he got a hell of an answer.

“you have to remember it by yourself, if you don’t… you will end up forgetting even us. all of this. remember about who you are and who you promised to be when you arrived in this place. remember your roots, felix. you can do it.”

that time he woke up in the middle of the night, at 3 am. because he heard a whisper right in his ear as soon as the reply in his dream ended. he felt the tickling and the shivers he felt down his spine were pretty much real. he knew what he heard. it was crystal clear.

“it’s me, felix.” he murmured to himself, as he looked around. no one.

this time, felix got up from his bed and started walking around, checking different placesin his room where someone could hide but he found nothing. was it all in his head? maybe. but why was it… so real? at least it felt real. but it was not.

and felix didn’t understand why. what was the reason? was it really his imagination? the option couldn’t be excluded, as it was the most rational one. but he couldn’t help wondering… maybe he wasn’t going crazy. maybe there was something or someone that wanted him to remember. and whoever or whatever that was… they were trying to make felix get a reminder. to get the clue. but it was frustrating, because felix wasn’t able to get it. and he didn’t know what to do with himself. fairly enough so as well.

the time went by once again, felix dawning on the fact that there were no dreams related to the island and how he had no other elad on how to remember what he had to remember. of course, as much as it was concerning him, he wasn’t letting all of that get in the way of his education. yes, that was slowing the amount of time felix was dedicating to recalling, but he coudln’t just drop school, get to the bottom of the class just because of some dreams.

i mean, he could, but he was not about that one life either.

it wasn’t until christmas when another questionable occurrence happened. this time, felix was together with his parents in the living room, watching some sort of christmas movie. it was pretty late and felix was pretty worn out, due to the fact that he was the one who had to deal with the fact taht his parents wanted some last minute groceries.

all three of them had their gazes focused on the tv, however felix was on and off about dozing off.

“you used to call me soulmate, you know that?”

that voice. again. it made felix immediately shoot his eyes open and look around franatically, low-key scaring his parents with that behaviour. he shrugged it off as having a very random short nightmare while dozing off and happily they believed him.

however, as soon as the movie was done and felix had freeway to go to his room, he couldn’t fall asleep at all that night. he was up all night, going through some of his old stuff trying to decipher the fact that whatever he had to remember had to do with soulmates. but his seraches proved to be futile in the end. he ended up with no leads

it made him sad actually. deep down, he knew he was running more and more out of time with every second, minute and hour passed. one would say that there was still some more time, but he started to lose faith in such statements. time was not in his right to control, but his memories were. but even those were playing hard to get.

“i really won’t be able to remember, am i? what if fate was made so i shouldn’t remeber?” he questioned himself one day, while sitting on his porch, just some days before his expected 17th birthday. it had been almost over one year since the last dream related to the island and what he loved the most when he was a child. he got even more school work and responsabilities. a lot of fun activities lessened and it seemed like his time with what he once cherished the most was also going to be non-existent.

he fought for so long to be able to keep it, but it was like the memories were being ripped apart from him more and more everyday. he couldn’t recall some of his adventures. he couldn’t remember the island’s name anymore. he even started reading his own journals so he could remind himself his friends’ names in his latest dream. because he was forgetting those as well.

and while the faith and hope felix once had was going away, he was going to get a reminder that the time he still had until he was going to forget everything was still enough. how and why? because right on the night before his birthday, as he was falling asleep, he finally got the next snapshot of his almost lost series of dreams.

“how do i remember? what do i need to do?”

“believing can get you very far if you do it right.”

it was short, but because it was a vivid dream, he was able to hear the clincket of some bells in his rooms. that was when he immediately got out of bed and looked directly towards the way that sounds came from. his window was opened. when before it wasn’t. and he felt like there was something on his nose, so he switched on the light in his bathroom and then went in front of the mirror, frowning at his reflection.

“what’s this?” he asked himself and used one of his hands to take a bit of the golden thing spread across the bits of his face that had freckles. it looked like a bright golden ish coloured dust. the realisation didn’t hit as soon as it should have, but at least it did, once and for all. “fairy dust?”

but as soon as he said that, felix woke up again, as if what he just lived was not real. which was impossible, because everything felt so real… but… the window was closed. there was nothing on his nose and the bathroom light and door were closed. what even?

“why did it feel so real… what the hell…” felix murmured to himself and sighed. “what’s the point in having all of this if i can’t remember shit?” he asked himself as he got out of bed and started making his way towards the bathroom, only to make sure there really wasn’t any kind of fairy dust left by any chance. even if he wanted there to be. because then he could know that he was not in fact going insane by any means. but the fairy dust wasn’t there.

much to felix’s disappointment.

the day went by very slowly for him and it was mostly because he kept checking the clocks as he was thinking as hard as he could back on his memories. but as much he was trying to resurface what everyone in his dream probably remembered, he was not able to. at least not fully.

because at the end of the day, while he almost gave up… there was an image he suddenly recalled. but it was vague. very vague. it was of someone’s figure and it was very unique. the person was as tall as felix was at that point in his life. but they didn’t wear any kind of ‘normal’ clothes. not that felix could figure much since the image seemed so blurred in his mind. and it seemed like he couldn’t get more than that from his memory. but he was ready to take whatever he could get anyway, no matter how much or less it was.

it meant he had a start and that’s all that felix cared about. it wasn’t too late. it was not too late. he had hope. a tiny bit of hope, just how he had a tiny bit of fairy dust. it was just enough. just enough…

however, the dream did not come back on christmas and that scared felix. why was it not back? did he actually fail? but why was he remembering everything about it then? wasn’t he supposed to forget everything about that? at least that was what he understood when he had the latest dream. because things were blurred, missing or smudged. it felt like a fever dream, but it was actually him losing track of his own dream memories. so why was he remembering? it confused him. maybe he had to remember? he couldn’t find any reason why that would be, though.

everything and nothing made sense to felix. mostly the latter part than the first one, but you know.

time went by once again way too fast for felix liking and soon he was going to have his 18th birthday. it felt unreal. he couldn’t believe he was going to be an adult so soon. it was like days ago he was still a kid and enjoying his life to the fullest. however, things changed as they usually do. no one could stop that from happening. felix wished he could. he was getting older. perhaps he should have been also ‘smarter’ or ‘wiser’. but things didn’t change for good. even felix’s parents could tell that. something shifted in their child’s behaviour and way of being himself. he was not the person he used to be and it was only getting ‘worse’ as his birthday was approaching. he was still dawning on the fact that he couldn’t save the biggest part of his childhood and he seemed like he was content with that to some extent, sadly.

of course, he was just lying to himself. he was not content in any way, shape or form. he had no hope left. literally none.

however, that was about to change when five days before his birthday, as he was trying to fall asleep, he heard someone walking around in his room and then stopping next to his bed.

“oh felix… did you really forget me? you don’t have much time left, but if you want to let go, that’s of course your decision. i just wish it was different.”

he had no idea, but hearing that voice so crystal clear... not a murmur, not a whisper. not randomly out of nowhere while he was dozing off. hearing it so crystal clear moved something inside felix and made him start crying. he couldn’t stop himself, so he just cried and cried until he finally cried himself to sleep and once he found himself once again where the last dream left him hanging, everything was almost non-existent.

“how can i remember you if i don’t know what i aim for?” felix suddenly shouted and fell to his knees, starting to cry again in his dream as well. “what am i meant to do?” how do i stop it? please help me. i don’t want to forget. i don’t want to pretend it never happened.” he cried out loudly.

“if your memories don’t work, search through your emotions.”

that day… felix woke up crying his eyes out. he cried so much, he couldn’t even do anything regarding his face being so red and so swollen. but his parents didn’t question it. they knew it would be no use. whatever felix was going through, he didn’t want to be asked about it. and he was grateful that his parents were respecting that. but he also knew they were worried for him. so he put on a fake smile.

“it’s okay.” he told them, blalantly lying. “there’s nothing to worry about, really. it will pass.” not a single word was true. but if his family found some sort of comfort in that, it was all what matterd. lies were sometimes prettier than the truth and felix knew that. he lied to himself for so long that he didn’t actually mind forgetting, but all those piled up emotions were getting back at him and making him everything so hard. it was a nightmare felix had been living in for the past few years. and he wanted it to end, no matter what it took. no matter what he had to do… he wanted to stop lying to his family and to himself that things were okay when they weren’t. and for what?

for some absurd world he couldn’t let go of? that it was affecting him so bad he sometimes couldn’t do anything but wonder: what if he did remember? such a simple question but it held so much weight. one would say that it was only like that because felix was giving it too much weight. but others couldn’t understand. they just couldn’t. it was going to haunt felix. if he forgot everything, he knew that something out there… something out there would probably haunt him for forgetting, because he probably wasn’t meant to forget. and that broke his heart, multiple times. the simple thought that he promised to remember and he was not able to was playing with his emotions in such ways that it was wearing him out physically, mentally and emotionally.

it was just a mess. a straight up mess, really.

lost in thought, felix didn’t even realise when night fell upon him once again. however, he felt restless. he couldn’t fall asleep, so he decided to look out of the window and clear his mind.

the night was going slowly by, while felix was trying to find different constellations. something caught his eye as he was scanning the sky. a shooting star. he didn’ have enough time to ponder, so he said the first thing that came in his mind.

“i wish i could remember you.” he wished upon the shooting star and he yawned as the sleep was finally taking over him. he stood up and went towards his bed and lied on it, looking at the ceiling as the light of the moon shining through the louver was illuminating the room slightly.

for once in a while, his mind was clear, but his heart was aching. he had no idea why. it could be sadness. emptiness. it could be hope. faith. or it could be anything else. he couldn’t put his finger on what he was experiencing in that very moment. and he didn’t want to think about it. he just once, wanted to go with the flow of life. whatever happened, happend. he just hoped he won’t regret that. and if he did… he couldn’t blame anyone but himself for that.

so he fell asleep. and he had one of the sweetest dreams he had in a while. it was freeing. like he didn’t have the burden of remembering anymore. he was content. even if it was just a deram that he was going to forget and pass. at least he got a taste of happiness after years and years of dreading his 18th birthday. after years of hating the course of time. after years of just wishing that he could be stuck into place or go back. for once, he didn’t want all of that. for once, he let all of that be in the past. and he was so proud of himself. he finally did it. he finally let go. even if it was just for a moment. it happened.

but as all good things come to end, he woke up the next day and he remembered that he actually didn’t have any of that. thinking back on the dream, it was too good to be true. but that’s when he realised. there was something wrong. why did he dream? and why was it pleasant?

“what?” he asked himself as he got out of bed and tried to fly past through everything he experienced in the dream as it was still fresh in his mind and then he stopped the movie in his head on one specific frame. “you.” he whispered.

suddenly, his body felt like it was on fire. he wanted to scream but he didn’t have the power to do so. he knew who that was. he knew.

he remembered. he didn’t forget. the wish worked. he was not clueless anymore. he recalled.

“oh my god.” he sobbed out and sat back on his back, feeling how he started shaking out of nowhere. “no way.” he couldn’t believe. and rightfully so. finally, after so many attempts… he remembered. a sudden wave of joy went through his entire body. a big, beautiful smile spread across felix’s face as the realisation wad finally sinking in in his mind.

and then, he started crying and it was not out of any dreadful feelings. they were happy tears. he never felt more joyous in the past few years. as he thought everything was just going to turn worse and worse… his wish finally found its way to be true. and it felt way too good to be true. he let out a laugh through the sobs, starting to wipe away his tears.

memories started flashing in his head of the times he spent with that person. they were all good ones and they were just the same as the dream he just had last night. he had no idea if the dream was planned before by the person who kept talking with him before the dreams happened. he had no idea if his wish upon the shooting star made it possible. whatever it was, he was so grateful for the chance he just got. and he was not going to throw it away, no matter what it took out of him. he finally felt happy in a while and he was going to do anything to maintain that happiness.

the next few days prior to felix’s birthday have been what he needed, full of actual promises that were going to be kept. laughing sounds were filling the house. smiles and an overall content vibe was wrapped around felix’s aura and it was making everyone feel at peace. the nights were also enjoyable, he kept having the dreams in which he was spending time with the person he tried so hard to not forget entirely and it made him happy. they were vague, yes, but it made felix’s heart fill with expectations. for a better time for himself.

for a better everything.

but that wasn’t going to work out as he expected, because on the night before his birthday, something was bothering him deep inside. he couldn’t fall asleep and he was required to wake up early in the morning. not that sleeping not that much was a problem, but he was concerned over what was keeping him up. but he was aware he actually knew. he was just scared to actually do anything about it. but he had to do something… probably.

“i know you’re here, jisung.” he finally got the courage to speak up. and stood up on his beed, looking around in the dimly lit room. he waited. and waited. and waited. he didn’t want to force jisung come out of his hiding place, but he also wasn’t going to look for him. the clock was thinking and the decision was hard.

“you’re not fun, you know?” a bell clincket like voice answered finally and the person felix tried all that time to remember showed itself, while floating in the middle of the room. of course, jisung was joking, but to its core, the statement had a hint of truth nonetheless. felix did get a bit more serious over time.

“why did you wait so long?” he finally asked jisung and as a dramatic reaction, the other made himself stop floating and hit the floor. felix only rolled his eyes. typical jisung behaviour, but he wasn’t going to get into that.

“because.” he started as he once again floated in the air and came closer to felix, mimcking the sitting on bed while he was still flying. “i could never be sure when one is bound to be mundane or not.”

“but we’re soulmates.” felix counter pointed to what jisung just said and that made the other furrow one of his eyebrows.

“are we though, felix?” he asked and that struck felix in ways he didn’t want to be struck. it hurt more than it should have, but he knew that to some extent he deserved it. “i’m glad you remembered me, don’t get me wrong. and i’m so happy we had some moments full of joy, but at the end of the day, the decision is yours and you maybe don’t want to belong to neverland. maybe you will miss the mundane thing. your parents. i can’t just take you away. if you really were made for this life, i don’t think you’d hesitate.”

hesitate? what was that supposed to mean? felix did not hesitate, he tried his best all that time to remember what he once loved and still loved and jisung was telling him that he hesitated in all of that? how would that even make sense? it wouldn’t… unless it totally would… thinking back, felix maybe understood the meaning of jisung’s words. but he wished he didn’t.

“you knew all along, didn’t you? then why? if you love neverland. if you love everything there. and if you love me… why did you voluntarily try to get yourself into this, felix?” jisung asked and then came to face felix, standing on his knees and taking one of the other’s hands in his. they fitted perfectly, like they were made for each other. and maybe they were soulmates.

but what soulmate would deliberately want the other out of his life?

“i’m scared.” felix finally breathed out, fighting back tears. he cried enough in the past few years under jisung’s watch. he didn’t want to cry in front of him. “i don’t know if i can commit to such things and i have no idea if it’s due to what i was taught. maybe my neverland part got too small. maybe my mundane part is taking over. but jisung, i’m so damn scared.” he finally confessed and let out a choked sob.

“then why are you still wanting to take the decision just now?”

“because i am unsure if i can leave this part of me behind. i want to have it forever, but at the same time the extent i have to go to have it… am i ready for that type of commitment? and i don’t want to know what you think, because i know you would just tell me to do what my heart is saying… but what if i want both?”

“felix…” jisung started but felix started crying already. he sighed and embraced the other in a warm hug, starting to say nice words in felix’s ear, trying to calm him down. yes, it was felix’s decision and he had every right to choose whatever he wanted. but deep down, jisung felt like if the other chose to come to neverland, he might find himself in misery more than required. and he didn’t want that. felix already went through enough misery.

“before i make up my mind, can i ask you something?” felix suddenly spoke up and left jisung’s embrace, looking up at him. the other simply nodded. “can you kiss me? to make sure this time… everything is real?”

jisung cupped felix’s face with his hands and leaned closer, leaving a sweet kiss to which felix instantly responded. even their lips connected perfectly and if that didn’t point fingers to a certain result… it was only fair that maybe it was not meant to be. jisung broke the kiss after a bit, but kept his forehead connected with felix’s for the moment, hearing the clock ticks in the background as the night was approaching towards the middle of it.

“for the five times it wasn’t real and for the one time it was, i still loved you.” felix started speaking, closing his eyes.

so close and yet so far away.

“for the five times it wasn’t freal and for the one time it was, i am thankful for you.” he said and carrassed jisung’s cheek.

was it meant to be?

“for the five times it wasn’t real and for the one time it was, i always hoped it was you.” felix let out a chuckle and smiled softly.

but did he?

“for the five times it wasn’t real and for the one it was, i cherish the road we took upon.”

it was bumpy.

“for the five times it was real and for the one it was, thank you for thinking i was worth it.” he opened his eyes and made eye contact with jisung.

it was like a sacred moment.

“for the five times it wasn’t real and for the one time it was… i can’t come with you to neverland.” felix let out a sob and then the clock struck midnight.

it was too late to turn the events around. too late to change one’s mind. too late to bring jisung back. but for the five times it wasn’t real and for the one time it was, felix was going to try to live his life to the fullest, in the name of the one he used to love up until he was 18. in the name of someone who was so close to him, hyet so far away. his peter han.


End file.
